Notes from the Trenches

What I'm sharing today is not a polished essay.  It's very much the ramblings and musings of someone who is learning and growing and very much in the messiness of process.  I have not arrived.  I am currently and actively struggling towards freedom, but I pray that some of these insights and revelations will be useful and encouraging to you in your journey.

Yesterday I was at BSF.  With the story of Jacob and Esau at the forefront of my thoughts, I entered the sanctuary for lecture.  I don't know why, but God frequently speaks to me there.  Often, my hand won't stop writing for the entire sixty minutes, but the words I write are the record of a dialogue that is happening between God and me.  Sometimes I hear very little of what Beth says because the voice of God is simply speaking louder and more insistently, stirring my soul in ways I can't ignore.  Somehow, I think Beth Johnson wouldn't mind one bit!  ;)

Here are my scribbled thoughts (what should have been my lecture notes):
"Live for today."
I saw that slogan on a shirt yesterday.  Actually, it was worn by the little five year old girl that I care for three days a week.  With the life lesson of Esau fresh in my mind, my reaction to that T-shirt was strong and adverse!  Do you see where living for today ends?  It ends in selling your birthright for a bowl of stew.

Oh, that I would NOT live for today alone, but with a divine awareness of the impact of each and every choice!  My choices reverberate throughout all the days of my life and even into succeeding generations.  See Exodus 20:  the sins of the fathers are visited on the children for three or four generations, but God extends His loving kindness to a thousand generations of those who fear Him and remember to keep His covenant and obey His precepts!  The destiny of a thousand generations may be hinging on how I handle the test that God has put in front of me.  Passages of Scripture come to mind: Deuteronomy 30, the offer of life or death, and Joshua 24:15, the call to decision.

But that decision is not a once-for-all thing.  It is a daily thing, a moment by moment thing.  Ultimately, our CHOICE (singular) is composed of a million trillion billion tiny CHOICES (plural) that come our way throughout the fabric of our everyday buried in the minutiae....the small details of our daily lives.  That cashier gives me $15 change when I'm only owed $5.  The next cashier rings up one puzzle instead of two.  If I fail that test, what does it reveal about my heart?  What is the fundamental sin that is lurking there?

This is the test that comes my way over and over and over again.  Why?  I think I'm passing the tests, but God still presents the same test over and over so there must be something He wants me to learn that I haven't yet.  Here's the thing:  even though I end up doing the right thing, I still struggle internally first.  Does God want me to get to the point where it (my obedience) is instant and automatic and requires no thought or internal struggle?

I grew up in a home that was ruled by anxiety, and financial anxiety was a HUGE part of our family dynamics:  always feeling like you're living on the edge of disaster, one blow away from all the dominoes falling, one after another.  Obviously, I was marked by those eighteen years I spent in that home.  That feeling of insecurity manifested itself in grabbing and grasping and hoarding, living tight-fisted instead of open-handed.  Generosity is hard for me because at my core, my fear is that there WILL NOT BE ENOUGH.  That LACK will overtake me, consume me, and devour my life.  Theft has been like a recessive "sin gene" woven into my DNA.

And now I'm God's child, and I desire Him and His Holiness.  I desire to be used by Him.  I long to be a vessel that has been cleaned not only on the outside, but on the inside too!  I want to be refined for my Master's use.  So I do not intentionally walk in this sin.  I do not make plans to acquire things dishonestly. BUT, God sees not just my actions, but my heart.  Is there any area in my mind where I am still trading the TRUTH of God for a LIE?  At some fundamental, core, foundational level, am I believing an UNtruth?  And how would I even know this if it wasn't revealed in my actions and brought to light by my God?  Thank You, God, for revealing truth to me!

Lord, I know You are not into behavior modification.  You are into heart transformation!  Remake me into a new creature in the very basic building blocks of who I am!  I want YOUR way to be my default setting, not the place I have to fight to get to, but truly my new, redeemed nature.  Can you take me there, God?  Is that an unrealistic goal?  Can you really remake me so thoroughly, so completely, so totally, so absolutely?

With that, lecture ended, and I packed up my things, my heart and mind so full of questions.  In my next post, I will reveal how God has begun to answer some of those lingering questions.

The Reconciliation of Abraham's Sons

I got a glimpse of God today as I spent time with Him in His Word, and His beauty is beyond all explanation. I have to admit, I've felt bad for Hagar and Ishmael. Today in my study and prayer time, He lifted my eyes to see His glorious plan; I find myself speechless, breathless, in awe of the GOODNESS of our God!

As I entered into communication with the Divine, my heart was burdened for the Muslim world, but I did not have the Genesis narrative and the story of Isaac and Ishmael specifically in mind. I wasn't asking Him to answer my questions; I was just praying my heart and letting the Holy Spirit lead. I praise God for His revelation; He connected the dots for me as I prayed. I will just type here the words of my prayer as I wrote them.

So I began, "Father, I pray for my Muslim brothers and sisters. You have a heart for them as well. You see them; you hear their cries. You love them. Honor their pursuit of You by opening their eyes to the truth. Send knowledge and revelation. May MANY LABORERS be sent out into the ripened fields, to gather in the souls of countless Muslims. May the blessing you gave to Abraham and Isaac be realized in our generation, that ALL the nations of the world would be blessed in and through them. How exciting to be living in the day when this promise will be fulfilled and the inclusiveness of Your great love will draw the descendants of Ishmael into the circle of promise and blessing and love. Yes, the seed (Jesus) came through Isaac, but it did not exclude Ishmael! May my eyes behold Your majesty as the sons and daughters of Ishmael AND Isaac join hands and sing the praises of Jesus. May they all find peace with God and peace with each other through the shed blood of Yeshua, the unblemished, perfect, once-for-all Passover Lamb whose sacrifice is reconciling all things to Himself!"


Oh, how Abraham's heart must have broken when he had to send Ishmael away, but how he must be leaping and dancing and celebrating and jumping for joy to see this day! Every single child was "Plan A." Every single child has a place at the table, a part in the Marriage Feast of the Lamb. Heaven will be filled with ALL of His Sons!


Wow, God, wow! I am absolutely convinced that we will NEED Eternity to sing God's praises; anything less would rob Him of the worship He is due! Only infinity can hold the fullness of every "hallelujah!" When we see Him for who He is, we are COMPELLED to worship, and anything less than forever could never bring to completion the adoration He inspires! Heaven will be the constant and ceaseless exaltation of the Goodness of our God, and I CANNOT WAIT! Luckily, I don't have to; I can begin right now, touching Heaven as I lift my hands, my heart, my voice to Yahweh! Oh, that Heaven would not be a jarring new reality for any of His believers, but a natural next step as our hearts live and die to shine a spotlight on HIS Fame! He is so so very good and so so very worthy!!!

Hope and Glory from Philippians 1:6

Oh my dear brothers and sisters!  Listen to the beauty contained in this verse:

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Isn't that so beautiful?!?!?!  HE started the good work in us (by creating us, sending His Son into the world to die for us, and allowing us to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ).  It's HIS work not mine, and He is able and faithful and wise and loving and He will finish it!!!

That means my best days are NOT behind me.  I might look backwards at what the years have taken, lamenting what the moths and locusts have stolen.  I might look at my current circumstances and think there is no way out.  BUT this verse is telling me the opposite....to look forward with joy and anticipation because my better days--my best days---are still ahead!  I praise God because He knows what He is doing!  He has a plan and a purpose!  He knows the way out of the mess I'm entangled in, and--hallelujah--He can turn things around in a much shorter time than it took me to mess them up in the first place!  I can dance into the future with great excitement and anticipation!

I've heard it said that God is an artist, and I clearly see that.  But with me, He's been a tattoo artist.  There's one reason I've never gotten a tattoo....I'm afraid of the pain.  But that's what He's using, those needle pricks, that pain, the hurt, the hard things....the loneliness, the rejection, the difficult people in my life, the times I've been left out or wounded or taken advantage of or felt unloved or unworthy or guilty or full of shame, the broken relationships, the trials, tribulations, struggles and challenges....to unfold beauty in my life.  The hurt is essential to developing my character into exactly who I was designed to be.  Tattoos look really cool when they are done.  In the same way, I am confident....that my life in His hands can and will become a thing of beauty!!!....that the pain is a good kind of pain, that it is serving a purpose and that the final result will be something that was worth hurting for, worth waiting for!  I can't wait to see what He can and will do!  I can't wait to see the unbelievable endings to our stories!  I know we may be in a season of "ouch!" "ouch!" "ouch!" but His grace and peace are with us and surround us in the middle of that!  His promises to us will be fulfilled, and when we look back at the end of our lives, it will look as if this was all planned....because it was!!!

I have such hope because I trust the one who is leading me!  I know He's good and He is taking me somewhere special and I am thrilled to be on this journey and so longing with joy and anticipation and excitement for that final destination to be revealed! 

I just pray that you will be saturated in His love and abundance today!  May all His blessings and riches be yours in full!  May you be so filled up with His Spirit today that you simply cannot contain it, and it spills over everywhere you go!!!!!!!

Love in the one who loved us first,
Kristy 

Christ's Poverty, Our Riches

I received Jesus:  The One and Only yesterday and am already in week two!  I can't get enough of Him!  I am being overwhelmed by Truth as if for the very first time!

Sometimes a question in our workbook will just get me thinking in such a way that I can't let go of it; I have to stop and ponder and meditate on it.  The Holy Spirit is such an amazing teacher and brings insight and revelation that is NOT of me!

The question that halted me in my tracks today was this one:  "What does Christ's earthly poverty have to do with us?"  My mind started racing; one thought led to another.  Before I knew it, I was scribbling diagrams and getting cramps from writing as quickly and furiously as I possibly could.  

When all is said and done, it boils down to this:

Jesus existed before time began.  He enjoyed perfect fellowship within the Trinity, sharing completely in the glory of the Godhead.  Yet, He chose to leave the riches and glory of Heaven, to humble Himself and become poor.  Why?  For my sake and for your sake.  It's the "Great Switch,"  Christ's poverty making the riches of God available and accessible to me and you!  

And, oh, what a humbling!  The fullness of God was nailed to a cross by sinful men.

So, Jesus's path led from glory (pre-incarnation) to glory (post-incarnation), but was intersected by the cross.  If He had glory pre-cross, why endure the suffering to get to glory post-cross?  He could have just enjoyed and revelled in His Glory without it ever being disturbed or interrupted.  

Because--and this is where I am just dumbfounded and and in tears--somehow, to Jesus and to God the Father and to the Holy Spirit, glory post-cross is more glorious than glory pre-cross because it includes us!!!  HOW can God esteem us so highly that He would pay that kind of a price to redeem us?!?!  How can He value you and me that much?!?!?!

Oh, I am so acutely aware that I have never known an earthly love that could even come close to this all-consuming, unfathomable, fierce and passionate love of Jesus!  Oh, that I would live my life in a way that is worthy of the high price He paid to redeem me, worthy of that unfailing love, worthy of His call!  May His death never be in vain in our lives!

How thankful I am that my salvation does not in any way depend on me!  Even when I stumble, He never lets go!  Can you even imagine anything better than the moment you will enter eternity and be ushered into His Presence to hear Him whisper, "well done, good and faithful servant!"?!?!  Oh, Amen and Amen....Let it be so!  (And according to 2 Corinthians 1:20, Jesus Himself is the "YES!" and "AMEN!" of God!)  The ONE and ONLY indeed!  Nothing this life has to offer is worth missing HIM!

 

Reflections from Mount Moriah....Genesis 22

As I began my study of Genesis 22 today,  I started out by looking up all the verses that my Bible cross-referenced with Gen. 22:1:  "God tested Abraham."  These verses over and over again state that testing is for the benefit of the one being tested.  I asked God to help me understand how Abraham benefited from this test, and the Holy Spirit brought illumination.  I was so overwhelmed by what happened on top of Mount Moriah, and I'd love to share my thoughts with you.  I pray that you are blessed by these reflections.

Abraham's Testing

Because of Abraham's obedience, He met God in a new and powerful way on the top of Mount Moriah.  He came to know God as Jehovah-Jireh, the-Lord-will-provide.  On the mountain, He learned that there were no limits to God's provision.  Creator God, Maker and Sustainer of all living things who meets our physical needs, providing daily bread and water in dry places, is also YHWH, the Covenant God, who provides for our deepest needs as well---forgiveness, atonement, reconciliation, covering.

What happened on that mountain is such a beautiful picture of the lengths God and His own beloved, one and only child of promise, His Son, Jesus, were willing to go to redeem us!  Did Abraham get that?  I believe that He did, maybe not as clearly as we can looking back on the cross, the sacrifice having already occurred, with the gospels and New Testament to help us in our understanding. But God revealed much to Abraham on that mountain and though he may have been seeing somewhat dimly, as through a fog or a haze, I believe that HE SAW CHRIST in that ram who took Isaac's place on that altar; and he understood God's heart of love perhaps like no other ever has as they shared a common heartbreak in their giving of their one and only, beloved, cherished, obedient sons.  Abraham was motivated to give up Isaac because of his love for and faith in God, and God was motivated to give up Jesus because of His love for us (Abraham and his descendants).  

What a beautiful picture!  I don't think there is anything more beautiful in all the world!

And a love that beautiful expands...that's the nature of that love, to overflow onto others and draw them in so they too can share in Love's Beauty.  It's why married couples yearn to have children:  love is too good to keep all to yourself.  By its very definition, love has to have a beloved, an object upon which to lavish the excesses of that love.  Love requires expression.  Love includes!  It multiplies! It expands! It regenerates! It explodes! It cannot be contained!  It's a revolution! True Love changes everything!

Abraham's act of obedience and love towards God SO MOVED THE ETERNAL ONE that He responds with an Ephesians 3:20 type promise, "...blessing I will bless you and multiplying I will multiply your descendants..."  In these words, I hear the echo of the New Testament:  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ!"  Who can even fathom "every spiritual blessing in Christ?"  The fullness of God's grace and blessing to us in Christ is definitely beyond all that we could ask, think, dream or imagine!  And I think Abraham got a sneak peek up on top of that mountain.

Oh, there are risks when we surrender to a life of faith!  We give up our rights.  We lay down our Isaacs.  We surrender control.  We forfeit comfort, laziness, excuses, blame, self-justification, and convenience.  We dethrone ourselves and give up being our own gods.  We turn our backs on the temporal and crucify our flesh.  We pay the price of obedience (and, undoubtedly, it will cost us something; frequently, it will seem to be costing us a whole heck of a lot!).

But what we get in return so far surpasses anything we might lose: 

•  Knowing and experiencing God (He is found by those who seek Him!),
•  Abundant life, 
• Eternal rewards, 
• God's favor,
•  A "calling" (the fulfillment that comes when you discover the purpose and meaning for which you were created), 
• Kingdom impact (fruit), 
• Untold spiritual blessings (God is a rewarder of those who seek Him!), 
• Rest for my soul (peace, security, satisfaction, agape love, "It is well" contentment that is independent of circumstance, assurance, abiding joy), 
• Seeing God's glory, His Manifest Presence (Shekinah)....nothing this world has to offer is worth missing THIS!, 
• A Godly heritage for my descendants
• The thrilling adventure of letting God write my story

Abraham was no fool!  He is the father of the Jim Elliotts of this world, all those who follow in his footsteps and give up what they cannot keep to gain what they cannot lose.  And he is my father as well!

The faith and love Abraham demonstrated on Mount Moriah was received by God and poured back out in such amazing ways that I, born thousands and thousands of years later, have been caught in the net of that ever-increasing, ever-multiplying, ever-expanding, ever-widening explosion of perfect, complete love that defies explanation or understanding.  My attempts to put words to this truth are doomed to failure because it is so beyond human language.  It seems to me in this moment that our universe is expanding because God's love is actively and continually expanding as each new son or daughter comes to faith and reconnects with the God who has yearned for him or her since before time began!

All of us who have been touched by this Mount Moriah love must, in turn, lay our own Isaacs down.  Yes, just as surely as the test was for Abraham's own good, it is for our own good as well.  Because it is only when we stand before Him with empty hands that we are able to truly experience His grace.  He fills those who empty themselves in order that He might indwell them.  He will not leave you empty.  He will come, and He will fill, and you will understand the poverty of anything you held in your hands before this moment.  Our Isaacs will look different for each of us, but oh, that we would NOT CLING TO what God has asked us to surrender because there is GLORY on the other side of our sacrifice!

Why was I chosen?  Why were my eyes opened?  Why am I so privileged to be counted among the descendants of Abraham?  The only answer I find is this:  "God Almighty has set His affections upon me."  I cannot stop the tears from falling as I meditate on this truth.  I don't understand.  I don't know what He could have seen in me that would cause Him to love me so!  Me?  With a heart as dark as mine?  A pit dweller like me?  But there is no explanation; only that He loves because HE IS LOVE!  And I'm melted by that love, and the only possible response to a love like that is to love Him in return with my entire heart, soul, mind and strength!

"Father, every day, remove another scale from my eyes so I can see you more clearly and experience more fully Your heart of love.  And, every day, grow my heart a little more so I can love You more passionately, with more zeal, more whole-heartedly, more completely, more devotedly.  Because You are worth it.  You are worth it, God!"

The law did not change my heart.  But what the law could not accomplish, Jesus did.  He took my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh!  It is a MIRACLE what He has done in my heart and life!  It's not a miracle like the world is looking for because it's internal instead of external, but that IS God's priority under the New Covenant:  the heart, the internal.  And I can tell you without a doubt that the change He has brought about in my life, the transformation I've experienced because of His Touch rivals any Red Sea parting or manna raining from the sky!

"OH, Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I Am Sarah....Meditations on Genesis 18

Since September, I have been studying the book of Genesis in-depth.  It never ceases to amaze me how these words that were recorded thousands of years ago can still speak into my life with such power and applicability!  And, boy, has God been speaking!  I am so thankful for His Word that is alive and active and sharper than a two-edged sword!  I need Him and His truth to cut away those parts of me that are not pleasing to Him and re-member me, making me whole again according to His original design for my life!

This week, as I meditated on Genesis 18 and the life of Sarah, I found so many similarities to my own life.  Let me explain....we know that many of the commands and blessings given under the Old Covenant have a spiritual application for us under the New Covenant.  For example, the command to be fruitful and multiply was a physical command to procreate and fill the earth.  We see this paralleled in a spiritual context in the New Testament when Jesus commanded his followers to "...go and make disciples of all nations..." (the Great Commission).  As it was with the command, so it is with the promise.  For Sarah, the promise was for the physical fruit of her womb.  For us (New Testament believers), the promise is for spiritual fruit bearing (John 15).

Just as Sarah was utterly incapable of producing a son on her own, I too am utterly incapable of bearing spiritual fruit on my own.  She could look at her body and see nothing but wrinkles, old age, barrenness, and a reproductive system that was long past menopause.  How can this old, worn-out flesh possibly bring forth new life?

Oh, how I identify with her!  I look at myself and ask God, "How can you bring forth anything eternal from my life?  Me?  With this root of contempt that still lingers?  With this tongue that is so quick to retort in the flesh instead of responding in the spirit?  With my Pharisee heart?  With my tendency to judge?  With this ugly pride that continues to rise up in me?"  And just as Sarah's womb was dried up, I feel like the well of my love has run dry!  Oh, Paul's lament is mine as well, "I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do." (Romans 7)

Only with faith eyes could I ever possibly look at my life and BELIEVE that anything eternal (anything of Kingdom Impact) could come from my time upon this earth.  Without God, the chance of me bearing fruit isn't just one in a million; it's zero in infinity!  But with God, all things are possible!  The One who has made the promise is faithful.  He will do exactly as He says.

I am Sarah.  And my God has chosen me as His own.  Because of His great and lavish love, He adopted me into His family, redeeming my life from the pit and making me a trophy of His grace!  HE is doing the good work in me.  HE is the Author of my story!  He wrote my story before He ever created this world, and it's a good story, filled with good works which were prepared by Him for me personally and individually, tailor-made for my exact design and blueprint before the foundations of this earth were laid!  And the Author of this story won't quit halfway through.  Human authors may abandon their novels and leave them undone and unfinished, but the Lord never abandons His because when He's writing my story, He's actually writing His Story!  I am not living a Kristy-story.  I am living a God-story.  I am one of the ways He reveals Himself in this world.  I am an expression of the Divine.  My life is meant to reveal a facet of HIM!  And would He give up on Himself?  Never!  No, not ever!  It is to the Father's glory that our lives bear much fruit!  He is jealous FOR us because He is jealous for His Glory!  Never fear...as unlikely as it may seem to human eyes, we who are in Christ will SHINE  with the light and the beauty of our God if and when we abide in HIM!

My Miracle

God is so unlike us, and His Kingdom is so unlike ours.  The Kingdom of God is frequently described as an "Upside-Down Kingdom."  It's a kingdom where the first shall be last, where you find your life by losing it, where the humble are exalted, the proud are humbled, and the least are greatest.  Yes, "Upside-Down Kingdom" indeed!

I say I know this upside down nature of God's Kingdom, but do I really?  I think I do, but then He reveals another layer.  I see in greater detail just how opposed to human wisdom His ways are, and I realize I've only begun to scratch the surface in my knowledge of who God is.  Each revelation brings me once again to my knees in wonder-filled, awestruck worship.

For years, I have had a "tape" that's played in my head.  It's this voice that comes unbidden and repeats itself over and over and over:  'I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!'  Frequently, I'd be going about my day, and this cry of emptiness would come into my mind.  There was no conscious thought involved on my part; this cry came from someplace deeper.  Try as I might, I couldn't find the "stop" button; this cry of hunger became the background music of my life.

I remember so clearly one day in particular.  I was driving home from a day of running errands, and the chant began.  My first reaction was always to reach for food.  That's what you do when you're hungry, right?  The problem was:  I wasn't physically hungry.  In fact, I was stuffed.  I had eaten too much.  I didn't think I could bear to eat another bite.  Still, I couldn't quiet this voice.

I can't put into words the frustration of that moment.  'I'm too stuffed to eat another bite, yet I'm still hungry!  What's wrong with me?!?!'  I felt so broken and "messed up."  It's so painful to experience need on the scale that I experienced it, but have no idea how to meet that need.  To be honest, I despaired of ever finding the satisfaction I craved.  I saw myself as this big gaping hole that would never be filled.  My husband hadn't filled it.  My children hadn't filled it.  Food hadn't filled it.  

I felt such shame over my need.  How could I be in relationship with others?  If I let anyone close, she would see that the sum of all my parts add up to a negative.  Who would even want to be in relationship with me?  I'd take and take and take, and it would never be enough.  Still, I'd be wanting more.  

I can't express the depths of the despair and hopelessness that settled upon me in that moment.  How was I going to make it through sixty more years of this?!?!!  I had given up on the possibility that anything even existed that could make me feel whole.  The best I thought I could hope for was a way to ignore the voice (the hunger cry of my soul) and stuff the pain down deep enough that I could get through my days with a fake smile, pretending I had it all together and everything was okay.  Maybe if I fooled enough people, I'd eventually believe my own lies and fool even myself.  I had resigned myself to perpetual emptiness.

Between that day of hopelessness approximately 6 years ago and now, God powerfully intersected my story.  Through the darkness of those years, God kept pursuing me with so much gentleness and tenderhearted compassion.  He wooed me and used others to reach out to me with His love.  His light began to enter my darkness, like flickering candlelight at first; that's all the exposure I could bear.  But the more light I experienced, the more I wanted.  It took many baby steps before I was able to summon the courage to enter intentional community, but once I did I experienced so much grace and healing.  I grew in my knowledge and passion for the Lord until I was utterly consumed by my love for Him.

Sometimes I still hear an inner cry, proclaiming hunger.  But I know it's soul hunger.  I know God is the answer.  I examine myself:  Have I been neglecting my time with the Lord, or am I just longing for the completion that awaits in the next life (aching to see clearly, as with an unveiled face, and know as I am known)?

When I was asked to consider facilitating a bible study at my church, I prayed for God's guidance and leading.  I do have a passion for the Word of God and other women, and I felt Him opening the door and asking me to step through it.  I accepted the role out of obedience, but it has been an exercise in faith.  I hate speaking in front of people.  Additionally, I've had problems surface in my personal life that have tempted me to disqualify myself from serving.  Furthermore, I've felt as if I've been in the enemy's crosshairs, and that has tempted me to quit.  Things felt a little bit "safer" when I was sitting under somebody else's leadership.  I feel like I'm still waiting for the "real facilitator" to step up, at which point I will gladly take a seat. 

But how can I say, "no," to God after everything He has done for me?!?!  My desire IS to please Him and show Him how very much I love Him through my obedience.  So here I am, fearful and trembling, but leaning hard on my God.

Thursday of last week was the kick-off of our fall bible study.  In the flesh, I would have been a nervous wreck.  But I just kept reminding God it was all on HIM.....His study, His women, His message.  All I had to do was just show up, and He would take care of the rest.  And show up He did!!!  I heard several stories of how God spoke to women in our gathering.  How super exciting and completely humbling to see God moving and working in our midst!  After class was over and everyone had left, I just had to get down on my knees and thank Him.  God is so good, and He allowed me to see and taste His goodness last Thursday night!  

Now, I have to mention that I fasted last Thursday.  I only say that because it's important in understanding what happened next.  That's probably the first time I've ever really fasted so don't go thinking I'm some sort of super-spiritual giant.  I just sensed it was important for me to fast that day; when I felt hungry, I used the hunger as a reminder to confess my lack, inability and emptiness and declare His sufficiency, ability, and faithfulness.  If any good comes from our study, I know it will not be because of human strength or strategics but only because of His Spirit and His Spirit alone.  'I've got nothing, Lord, so I'm counting on You!' 

As I was cleaning up afterwards, wheeling a cart down the hallway to the kitchen, the voice began again. 'I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I'm so full!'  It was so jarring, I literally stopped mid-step.  My jaw dropped.  Did I just hear, from my soul, that place deeper than conscious thought.....did I just hear what I thought I heard????  Dialing in, the voice grew louder, and my heart swelled with a joyful exuberance! 'I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I couldn't eat another bite!'   And on a day I had eaten nothing in the physical realm!  God rewrote my "tape" last Thursday night, and it is nothing short of a miracle !!!

I've been pondering the miracle a lot this week.  I see more clearly how "other" (upside down) God and His Kingdom really are!  Even when I realized that God was the only source that could satisfy the hunger I felt, I tried to fill that spiritual hole the way I would fill a physical hole:  by inputting more of Him.   But I never reached spiritual "fullness" that way.  I don't completely understand it yet, and I would LOVE for older, wiser, more mature believers to comment here and speak into my experience.  Somehow, there was something about the "giving myself away" on Thursday that filled me in a way I've never been filled before!  Was it because I was fulfilling Ephesians 2:10, walking in the good works that God prepared for me before the foundations of the world were laid?  Or was it the evangelism aspect, because I was doing my part to fulfill the Great Commission?  Our focus for these eleven weeks is "Jesus, the One and Only:" testifying to the difference He made in my life, proclaiming Him as the only hope for all of us!  Was it something about JESUS?  

I think it was the latter....I've served before in ways I know God purposed and intended for me, but I've never felt so spiritually "full" as I did that day....after a morning of praying that Jesus would be high and lifted up and all women would be drawn to Him, then opening up a space on Thursday night for that to happen.  All I know is....I want more of that!  I want to do that more and experience that more and tell others how they can experience it as well!

"I have food to eat that you know nothing about." --Jesus (John 4:32)

Heavenly Father, Thank You for giving me a taste of that food!  As I meditate on these words, send your Holy Spirit to help me understand.  It's not just a feeling of fullness I crave; it's YOU!  It's the fullness only You can bring.  You were so present in that fullness, and it's YOU that I desire above all else!  Give me wisdom.  Increase my faith.  Help me to put off fear and a lack of self-confidence and help me to put on faith and a supernatural, overflowing, limitless abundance of God-confidence.  You know that all my attempts to fill myself only left me emptier.  Thank You for opening up my eyes to SEE You and Your beauty!  If You had not opened my eyes to see truth, I would still be in that pit of despondency, dreading yet another day of carrying the weight of my bottomless need.  I want to grow in my knowledge of You and Your ways and share the excitement and satisfaction of life in You with everyone I meet!  I ask all of this for the Glory of Jesus! Amen.