Reflections from Mount Moriah....Genesis 22

As I began my study of Genesis 22 today,  I started out by looking up all the verses that my Bible cross-referenced with Gen. 22:1:  "God tested Abraham."  These verses over and over again state that testing is for the benefit of the one being tested.  I asked God to help me understand how Abraham benefited from this test, and the Holy Spirit brought illumination.  I was so overwhelmed by what happened on top of Mount Moriah, and I'd love to share my thoughts with you.  I pray that you are blessed by these reflections.

Abraham's Testing

Because of Abraham's obedience, He met God in a new and powerful way on the top of Mount Moriah.  He came to know God as Jehovah-Jireh, the-Lord-will-provide.  On the mountain, He learned that there were no limits to God's provision.  Creator God, Maker and Sustainer of all living things who meets our physical needs, providing daily bread and water in dry places, is also YHWH, the Covenant God, who provides for our deepest needs as well---forgiveness, atonement, reconciliation, covering.

What happened on that mountain is such a beautiful picture of the lengths God and His own beloved, one and only child of promise, His Son, Jesus, were willing to go to redeem us!  Did Abraham get that?  I believe that He did, maybe not as clearly as we can looking back on the cross, the sacrifice having already occurred, with the gospels and New Testament to help us in our understanding. But God revealed much to Abraham on that mountain and though he may have been seeing somewhat dimly, as through a fog or a haze, I believe that HE SAW CHRIST in that ram who took Isaac's place on that altar; and he understood God's heart of love perhaps like no other ever has as they shared a common heartbreak in their giving of their one and only, beloved, cherished, obedient sons.  Abraham was motivated to give up Isaac because of his love for and faith in God, and God was motivated to give up Jesus because of His love for us (Abraham and his descendants).  

What a beautiful picture!  I don't think there is anything more beautiful in all the world!

And a love that beautiful expands...that's the nature of that love, to overflow onto others and draw them in so they too can share in Love's Beauty.  It's why married couples yearn to have children:  love is too good to keep all to yourself.  By its very definition, love has to have a beloved, an object upon which to lavish the excesses of that love.  Love requires expression.  Love includes!  It multiplies! It expands! It regenerates! It explodes! It cannot be contained!  It's a revolution! True Love changes everything!

Abraham's act of obedience and love towards God SO MOVED THE ETERNAL ONE that He responds with an Ephesians 3:20 type promise, "...blessing I will bless you and multiplying I will multiply your descendants..."  In these words, I hear the echo of the New Testament:  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ!"  Who can even fathom "every spiritual blessing in Christ?"  The fullness of God's grace and blessing to us in Christ is definitely beyond all that we could ask, think, dream or imagine!  And I think Abraham got a sneak peek up on top of that mountain.

Oh, there are risks when we surrender to a life of faith!  We give up our rights.  We lay down our Isaacs.  We surrender control.  We forfeit comfort, laziness, excuses, blame, self-justification, and convenience.  We dethrone ourselves and give up being our own gods.  We turn our backs on the temporal and crucify our flesh.  We pay the price of obedience (and, undoubtedly, it will cost us something; frequently, it will seem to be costing us a whole heck of a lot!).

But what we get in return so far surpasses anything we might lose: 

•  Knowing and experiencing God (He is found by those who seek Him!),
•  Abundant life, 
• Eternal rewards, 
• God's favor,
•  A "calling" (the fulfillment that comes when you discover the purpose and meaning for which you were created), 
• Kingdom impact (fruit), 
• Untold spiritual blessings (God is a rewarder of those who seek Him!), 
• Rest for my soul (peace, security, satisfaction, agape love, "It is well" contentment that is independent of circumstance, assurance, abiding joy), 
• Seeing God's glory, His Manifest Presence (Shekinah)....nothing this world has to offer is worth missing THIS!, 
• A Godly heritage for my descendants
• The thrilling adventure of letting God write my story

Abraham was no fool!  He is the father of the Jim Elliotts of this world, all those who follow in his footsteps and give up what they cannot keep to gain what they cannot lose.  And he is my father as well!

The faith and love Abraham demonstrated on Mount Moriah was received by God and poured back out in such amazing ways that I, born thousands and thousands of years later, have been caught in the net of that ever-increasing, ever-multiplying, ever-expanding, ever-widening explosion of perfect, complete love that defies explanation or understanding.  My attempts to put words to this truth are doomed to failure because it is so beyond human language.  It seems to me in this moment that our universe is expanding because God's love is actively and continually expanding as each new son or daughter comes to faith and reconnects with the God who has yearned for him or her since before time began!

All of us who have been touched by this Mount Moriah love must, in turn, lay our own Isaacs down.  Yes, just as surely as the test was for Abraham's own good, it is for our own good as well.  Because it is only when we stand before Him with empty hands that we are able to truly experience His grace.  He fills those who empty themselves in order that He might indwell them.  He will not leave you empty.  He will come, and He will fill, and you will understand the poverty of anything you held in your hands before this moment.  Our Isaacs will look different for each of us, but oh, that we would NOT CLING TO what God has asked us to surrender because there is GLORY on the other side of our sacrifice!

Why was I chosen?  Why were my eyes opened?  Why am I so privileged to be counted among the descendants of Abraham?  The only answer I find is this:  "God Almighty has set His affections upon me."  I cannot stop the tears from falling as I meditate on this truth.  I don't understand.  I don't know what He could have seen in me that would cause Him to love me so!  Me?  With a heart as dark as mine?  A pit dweller like me?  But there is no explanation; only that He loves because HE IS LOVE!  And I'm melted by that love, and the only possible response to a love like that is to love Him in return with my entire heart, soul, mind and strength!

"Father, every day, remove another scale from my eyes so I can see you more clearly and experience more fully Your heart of love.  And, every day, grow my heart a little more so I can love You more passionately, with more zeal, more whole-heartedly, more completely, more devotedly.  Because You are worth it.  You are worth it, God!"

The law did not change my heart.  But what the law could not accomplish, Jesus did.  He took my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh!  It is a MIRACLE what He has done in my heart and life!  It's not a miracle like the world is looking for because it's internal instead of external, but that IS God's priority under the New Covenant:  the heart, the internal.  And I can tell you without a doubt that the change He has brought about in my life, the transformation I've experienced because of His Touch rivals any Red Sea parting or manna raining from the sky!

"OH, Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I Am Sarah....Meditations on Genesis 18

Since September, I have been studying the book of Genesis in-depth.  It never ceases to amaze me how these words that were recorded thousands of years ago can still speak into my life with such power and applicability!  And, boy, has God been speaking!  I am so thankful for His Word that is alive and active and sharper than a two-edged sword!  I need Him and His truth to cut away those parts of me that are not pleasing to Him and re-member me, making me whole again according to His original design for my life!

This week, as I meditated on Genesis 18 and the life of Sarah, I found so many similarities to my own life.  Let me explain....we know that many of the commands and blessings given under the Old Covenant have a spiritual application for us under the New Covenant.  For example, the command to be fruitful and multiply was a physical command to procreate and fill the earth.  We see this paralleled in a spiritual context in the New Testament when Jesus commanded his followers to "...go and make disciples of all nations..." (the Great Commission).  As it was with the command, so it is with the promise.  For Sarah, the promise was for the physical fruit of her womb.  For us (New Testament believers), the promise is for spiritual fruit bearing (John 15).

Just as Sarah was utterly incapable of producing a son on her own, I too am utterly incapable of bearing spiritual fruit on my own.  She could look at her body and see nothing but wrinkles, old age, barrenness, and a reproductive system that was long past menopause.  How can this old, worn-out flesh possibly bring forth new life?

Oh, how I identify with her!  I look at myself and ask God, "How can you bring forth anything eternal from my life?  Me?  With this root of contempt that still lingers?  With this tongue that is so quick to retort in the flesh instead of responding in the spirit?  With my Pharisee heart?  With my tendency to judge?  With this ugly pride that continues to rise up in me?"  And just as Sarah's womb was dried up, I feel like the well of my love has run dry!  Oh, Paul's lament is mine as well, "I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do." (Romans 7)

Only with faith eyes could I ever possibly look at my life and BELIEVE that anything eternal (anything of Kingdom Impact) could come from my time upon this earth.  Without God, the chance of me bearing fruit isn't just one in a million; it's zero in infinity!  But with God, all things are possible!  The One who has made the promise is faithful.  He will do exactly as He says.

I am Sarah.  And my God has chosen me as His own.  Because of His great and lavish love, He adopted me into His family, redeeming my life from the pit and making me a trophy of His grace!  HE is doing the good work in me.  HE is the Author of my story!  He wrote my story before He ever created this world, and it's a good story, filled with good works which were prepared by Him for me personally and individually, tailor-made for my exact design and blueprint before the foundations of this earth were laid!  And the Author of this story won't quit halfway through.  Human authors may abandon their novels and leave them undone and unfinished, but the Lord never abandons His because when He's writing my story, He's actually writing His Story!  I am not living a Kristy-story.  I am living a God-story.  I am one of the ways He reveals Himself in this world.  I am an expression of the Divine.  My life is meant to reveal a facet of HIM!  And would He give up on Himself?  Never!  No, not ever!  It is to the Father's glory that our lives bear much fruit!  He is jealous FOR us because He is jealous for His Glory!  Never fear...as unlikely as it may seem to human eyes, we who are in Christ will SHINE  with the light and the beauty of our God if and when we abide in HIM!

My Miracle

God is so unlike us, and His Kingdom is so unlike ours.  The Kingdom of God is frequently described as an "Upside-Down Kingdom."  It's a kingdom where the first shall be last, where you find your life by losing it, where the humble are exalted, the proud are humbled, and the least are greatest.  Yes, "Upside-Down Kingdom" indeed!

I say I know this upside down nature of God's Kingdom, but do I really?  I think I do, but then He reveals another layer.  I see in greater detail just how opposed to human wisdom His ways are, and I realize I've only begun to scratch the surface in my knowledge of who God is.  Each revelation brings me once again to my knees in wonder-filled, awestruck worship.

For years, I have had a "tape" that's played in my head.  It's this voice that comes unbidden and repeats itself over and over and over:  'I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!  I'm hungry!'  Frequently, I'd be going about my day, and this cry of emptiness would come into my mind.  There was no conscious thought involved on my part; this cry came from someplace deeper.  Try as I might, I couldn't find the "stop" button; this cry of hunger became the background music of my life.

I remember so clearly one day in particular.  I was driving home from a day of running errands, and the chant began.  My first reaction was always to reach for food.  That's what you do when you're hungry, right?  The problem was:  I wasn't physically hungry.  In fact, I was stuffed.  I had eaten too much.  I didn't think I could bear to eat another bite.  Still, I couldn't quiet this voice.

I can't put into words the frustration of that moment.  'I'm too stuffed to eat another bite, yet I'm still hungry!  What's wrong with me?!?!'  I felt so broken and "messed up."  It's so painful to experience need on the scale that I experienced it, but have no idea how to meet that need.  To be honest, I despaired of ever finding the satisfaction I craved.  I saw myself as this big gaping hole that would never be filled.  My husband hadn't filled it.  My children hadn't filled it.  Food hadn't filled it.  

I felt such shame over my need.  How could I be in relationship with others?  If I let anyone close, she would see that the sum of all my parts add up to a negative.  Who would even want to be in relationship with me?  I'd take and take and take, and it would never be enough.  Still, I'd be wanting more.  

I can't express the depths of the despair and hopelessness that settled upon me in that moment.  How was I going to make it through sixty more years of this?!?!!  I had given up on the possibility that anything even existed that could make me feel whole.  The best I thought I could hope for was a way to ignore the voice (the hunger cry of my soul) and stuff the pain down deep enough that I could get through my days with a fake smile, pretending I had it all together and everything was okay.  Maybe if I fooled enough people, I'd eventually believe my own lies and fool even myself.  I had resigned myself to perpetual emptiness.

Between that day of hopelessness approximately 6 years ago and now, God powerfully intersected my story.  Through the darkness of those years, God kept pursuing me with so much gentleness and tenderhearted compassion.  He wooed me and used others to reach out to me with His love.  His light began to enter my darkness, like flickering candlelight at first; that's all the exposure I could bear.  But the more light I experienced, the more I wanted.  It took many baby steps before I was able to summon the courage to enter intentional community, but once I did I experienced so much grace and healing.  I grew in my knowledge and passion for the Lord until I was utterly consumed by my love for Him.

Sometimes I still hear an inner cry, proclaiming hunger.  But I know it's soul hunger.  I know God is the answer.  I examine myself:  Have I been neglecting my time with the Lord, or am I just longing for the completion that awaits in the next life (aching to see clearly, as with an unveiled face, and know as I am known)?

When I was asked to consider facilitating a bible study at my church, I prayed for God's guidance and leading.  I do have a passion for the Word of God and other women, and I felt Him opening the door and asking me to step through it.  I accepted the role out of obedience, but it has been an exercise in faith.  I hate speaking in front of people.  Additionally, I've had problems surface in my personal life that have tempted me to disqualify myself from serving.  Furthermore, I've felt as if I've been in the enemy's crosshairs, and that has tempted me to quit.  Things felt a little bit "safer" when I was sitting under somebody else's leadership.  I feel like I'm still waiting for the "real facilitator" to step up, at which point I will gladly take a seat. 

But how can I say, "no," to God after everything He has done for me?!?!  My desire IS to please Him and show Him how very much I love Him through my obedience.  So here I am, fearful and trembling, but leaning hard on my God.

Thursday of last week was the kick-off of our fall bible study.  In the flesh, I would have been a nervous wreck.  But I just kept reminding God it was all on HIM.....His study, His women, His message.  All I had to do was just show up, and He would take care of the rest.  And show up He did!!!  I heard several stories of how God spoke to women in our gathering.  How super exciting and completely humbling to see God moving and working in our midst!  After class was over and everyone had left, I just had to get down on my knees and thank Him.  God is so good, and He allowed me to see and taste His goodness last Thursday night!  

Now, I have to mention that I fasted last Thursday.  I only say that because it's important in understanding what happened next.  That's probably the first time I've ever really fasted so don't go thinking I'm some sort of super-spiritual giant.  I just sensed it was important for me to fast that day; when I felt hungry, I used the hunger as a reminder to confess my lack, inability and emptiness and declare His sufficiency, ability, and faithfulness.  If any good comes from our study, I know it will not be because of human strength or strategics but only because of His Spirit and His Spirit alone.  'I've got nothing, Lord, so I'm counting on You!' 

As I was cleaning up afterwards, wheeling a cart down the hallway to the kitchen, the voice began again. 'I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I'm so full!'  It was so jarring, I literally stopped mid-step.  My jaw dropped.  Did I just hear, from my soul, that place deeper than conscious thought.....did I just hear what I thought I heard????  Dialing in, the voice grew louder, and my heart swelled with a joyful exuberance! 'I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I'm so full!  I couldn't eat another bite!'   And on a day I had eaten nothing in the physical realm!  God rewrote my "tape" last Thursday night, and it is nothing short of a miracle !!!

I've been pondering the miracle a lot this week.  I see more clearly how "other" (upside down) God and His Kingdom really are!  Even when I realized that God was the only source that could satisfy the hunger I felt, I tried to fill that spiritual hole the way I would fill a physical hole:  by inputting more of Him.   But I never reached spiritual "fullness" that way.  I don't completely understand it yet, and I would LOVE for older, wiser, more mature believers to comment here and speak into my experience.  Somehow, there was something about the "giving myself away" on Thursday that filled me in a way I've never been filled before!  Was it because I was fulfilling Ephesians 2:10, walking in the good works that God prepared for me before the foundations of the world were laid?  Or was it the evangelism aspect, because I was doing my part to fulfill the Great Commission?  Our focus for these eleven weeks is "Jesus, the One and Only:" testifying to the difference He made in my life, proclaiming Him as the only hope for all of us!  Was it something about JESUS?  

I think it was the latter....I've served before in ways I know God purposed and intended for me, but I've never felt so spiritually "full" as I did that day....after a morning of praying that Jesus would be high and lifted up and all women would be drawn to Him, then opening up a space on Thursday night for that to happen.  All I know is....I want more of that!  I want to do that more and experience that more and tell others how they can experience it as well!

"I have food to eat that you know nothing about." --Jesus (John 4:32)

Heavenly Father, Thank You for giving me a taste of that food!  As I meditate on these words, send your Holy Spirit to help me understand.  It's not just a feeling of fullness I crave; it's YOU!  It's the fullness only You can bring.  You were so present in that fullness, and it's YOU that I desire above all else!  Give me wisdom.  Increase my faith.  Help me to put off fear and a lack of self-confidence and help me to put on faith and a supernatural, overflowing, limitless abundance of God-confidence.  You know that all my attempts to fill myself only left me emptier.  Thank You for opening up my eyes to SEE You and Your beauty!  If You had not opened my eyes to see truth, I would still be in that pit of despondency, dreading yet another day of carrying the weight of my bottomless need.  I want to grow in my knowledge of You and Your ways and share the excitement and satisfaction of life in You with everyone I meet!  I ask all of this for the Glory of Jesus! Amen.

Joy Through Obedience

"My happy place is my obedient place." --Beth Moore 

From my own personal experience, I know that this statement is true.  To be honest, I've had to learn that truth the hard way...by experiencing its opposite.  Too many times I have been disobedient, stubbornly insisting on my own way and refusing to bend my knee, and the end result of that has always, always, always been pain, brokenness, emptiness, dissatisfaction and extreme unhappiness, even depression.  

Praise be to God...He never gave up on me, but gently whispered to me of a better way.  He blessed my first baby steps of obedience by showering me in a flood of "good and perfect gifts!"

One night in particular stands out in my memory.  I had promised my husband a massage when we went to bed that night, but we had gotten into a quarrel that evening.  I don't remember the impetus for the argument or the exact words spoken (or more likely, knowing us at the time, not "spoken" but rather "hurled like weapons").  I do remember the feeling of separation as we lay side by side in bed that night.  It was more than a "wedge" between us; it was a "Grand Canyon" of hurt feelings! 

Into my indignant, self-righteous heart, Jesus whispered, "Give him the massage."

"No way!  Not until he apologizes!  Did you hear what he SAID to me, God?!?!"

"Give him the massage."

I lay in that bed arguing with Jesus for a long time.  No matter what I said, He kept gently insisting, "Give him the massage."  I knew I had a choice to make.  I didn't have to obey!  I knew Jesus wouldn't take over my brain and nervous system, seize control of my muscular system, and make "massage giving" an involuntary act like breathing!  The age-old choice presented to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 30 was presented to me:  Choose.  God's way or my way.  Blessing or curse. Life or death.  The choice lay with me.  

Finally, I surrendered my will to His.  The ONLY reason I reached out to touch my husband that night was my love for my Savior.  NOTHING in me wanted to serve my husband, but my love for Jesus ultimately compelled me to the place of obedience.

The instant I touched my husband, I was flooded with divine love for him.  Believe me....I know my heart, and that kind of love does NOT come from me.  My heart in that moment was anything BUT loving, but because of my obedience, God gave me the privilege of experiencing the Father's Heart.  Sinful, selfish me became a conduit of GOD'S LOVE for my husband.  What a privilege it was!  There are no words capable of describing the love of the Father!  (It was warm and real and total and substantial and absolute and bottomless and safe, so thick it's almost palpable, so overwhelming nothing else matters.  I recognized that love as the treasure my heart has always longed for.)

My husband received the massage that night, but I was the one who was TRULY  blessed!  Joy?  Yes!  Awed by grace?  Yes!  Wrecked by His love?  Yes!  So, so grateful?  Yes, yes, yes!

And I could have missed it. I could have missed it so easily.  I almost did.  Clinging to my rights, my way, my feelings, my will, ME, ME, ME!  I can't base my decisions on ME because my thinking is distorted;  I have those "deformed desires" James talks about that carry within them the seeds of self-destruction.    Yes, "there is a way that seems right to a woman but the end is death."  I've experienced too many deaths in my life!  I need God's wisdom, desperately.  Only by obeying His directions do I find JOY and so much more... the life that is truly life!

When


When I fail, You call me Beloved.
When I overeat, You call me Beloved.
When my house is a mess, You call me Beloved.
When my children are disrespectful, You call me Beloved.
When my laundry room is overrun with dirty clothes, You call me Beloved.
When my bank account is overdrawn, You call me Beloved.
When I mismanage my finances, You call me Beloved.
When I lash out verbally, You call me Beloved.
When I gain weight, You call me Beloved.
When my tears will not stop flowing, You call me Beloved.
When shame keeps me away from You, You call me Beloved.
When I'm wallowing in self-pity, You call me Beloved.
When I am a bad mother, when I am a complete and utter failure, still You call me Beloved!
           _______________________________________________________

I've needed the truth of my belovedness repeated over and over today.  On a day like today, bombarded by the enemy's attacks, that truth is my refuge.  As I meditate on the unfathomable, incomprehensible, lavish, ridiculous, inexhaustible love of God (and not just a general love towards all creation but a focused, personal, intimate and individual love for ME specifically), the pain and sorrow and anger are ebbing; in their place comes the peace and contentment of Christ.

If you are having a hard day, feeling very much in the enemy's cross-hairs, the accusations from the Accuser flying fast and furious.......I hope the reminder that you are loved more than you could ever possibly grasp lifts your eyes from yourself and the countless ways you are not enough onto the God who IS ENOUGH!  Oh, I acknowledge that there is truth in the accusations, "I won't deny the worst you can say about me,"* but I remind the condemner and myself that not even the biggest, ugliest, dirtiest dart in Satan's arsenal can separate me from Christ's love.

Yes, I have failed a million different times and a million different ways, but that DOES NOT CHANGE THE UNCHANGEABLE FACT THAT I AM BELOVED!!!  It doesn't matter that I don't deserve love.  I AM loves me!  I AM says that my new name is Beloved!  And there is no asterisk after "Beloved."

Here it is, my promise, straight from God's Word, "I'll call the unloved and make them beloved." (Romans 9:25b, The Message).  Today I am clinging to Him and the uncertainty of His unfailing love ........desperate, needy, unworthy but oh so very very grateful!

*Jason Gray's song,  I Am New, came flooding into my mind; this quote comes from those lyrics.

From "Good Girl" to "God Girl"

It's been over a month since I have posted.  It's not because I haven't been writing, and it's certainly not because God hasn't been moving.  It's just that I fall back into the fear of being vulnerable.  I guess that's really pride when it comes down to it, and I struggle with this sin.  Our culture teaches us to be "image builders," and it takes courage to be authentic and transparent.  But the truth is....I want to bring my Father glory more than I want to guard my reputation.  So I will bare my soul once again in what feels like a very public forum, knowing that my story once again shows my sinfulness and the darkness that lurks in my own heart but it magnifies my God who is bigger and more powerful than my darkness!!!  What follows was written almost a month ago, and I am still marveling at the work of the LORD!  Read and marvel with me.

"This past weekend, I joined seventeen other women from Hope-Covenant in Crystal Lake as we traveled to Covenant Harbor in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Fall Fellowship.  Many prayers were lifted ahead of time, for God to get a hold of hearts in new and fresh ways and asking Him to bind hearts together in the unity that is only available through Jesus Christ!  Boy, did He ever answer!  While I prayed those prayers anticipating a closer connection with the women from my church, God had a much bigger, better, more beautiful answer in mind!

Praise God.....He dealt with me this weekend, shining His light into the deepest, darkest places of my heart and revealing to me the UN-God (i.e., sin) that dwelt there.  Oh, how badly I wanted to be good.  I wanted my heart to be full of love for all people.  I so wanted to be like my Savior!  But all the wanting in the world did not make it so.

The truth is....I was taught bigotry and prejudice as a child.  People that were in positions of authority above me and claimed to be following Christ and proclaiming His Word used Scripture to plant seeds of hatred or superiority in my heart.  When they noticed that I seemed to be color blind, they took me aside and brought me to Genesis 9 and the sons of Noah.  They read to me the story of Ham and the shame that was upon Him for viewing his father's nakedness and how Noah pronounced a curse upon Ham and his descendants and sentenced them to be slaves to the other brothers.  I was then told that black people descend from Ham, and they are a cursed race; this is why they have been enslaved throughout history and to intermarry is forbidden by God and would be to bring that curse upon yourself.

Oh, how it grieves my heart that the very Word of God is used to promote Satan's agenda!  The father of lies who seeks our death and destruction is behind every form of division and strife and hostility.  I remember something inside of me rebelling at their words, but I was too young to identify those words as lies so they sank into my soul with the ring of truth because of who they had come from and in whose Name they had supposedly been spoken.

As I grew and my faith became my own and I started to seek God for myself, I knew that what I had been taught was indeed wrong!  I read in the Bible that God is no respecter of persons and that His children include people from all nations, colors, tribes and tongues.  But the bad seed had already been planted in my heart and taken root.  The problem is that I had become blind to it.

I had deceived myself (or perhaps, more accurately, the enemy of my soul had deceived me) into thinking that no vestiges of that sin of bigotry remained in my heart.  But on a subconscious level, I can see that it was always there.  When I had contact with an African-American, even my niece, Laylah, who is half black......I won't say that I did not love her because that would be untrue.  But I was not open to fully loving her, if that makes sense.  There was a part of my heart that held back somehow, and when I would brush up against the edges of that coldness, when my gut-level reaction would be to see the "other" as "less than," I would inwardly recoil from the ugliness inside and deny it or try to talk myself out of it.

The only problem is:  You cannot talk yourself out of sin.  You cannot "manage" or "control" the sinfulness of your own heart.  There is only one cure to take care of sin once and for all, and that is by taking it to the cross.

On Saturday, September 24, 2011, as I sat by the soothing and peaceful water of Geneva Lake and surrendered my heart to a thorough examination by the Great Physician, He made His diagnosis.  I saw as clearly as if viewing an X-ray held up to the light; my "spiritual X-ray" revealed a wall or barrier present in my heart.  It was subtle.  No one on the outside could have seen it.  Imperceptible to the human eye, it was not imperceptible to my God!

I feel as if so much of the rest of my life, who I will become and how God will be able to use me, hinged upon my response in that moment of divine revelation.  With His power and strength inside of me, I was able to overcome my denial and embrace His truth.  Right there in that boat house, I prayed a prayer of confession:  "Honestly, God, I admit there is a tiny part of my heart that sees 'other' as 'less than.'  I can't change that about myself, God, but I admit it.  I confess before You that it is SIN, and I ask YOU to take my racism and prejudice from my heart.  Purify me and make me into YOUR image."

And I am writing to tell you that God is still in the miracle-working business!  God is in the business of life transformation!  He is alive and moving and at work in this world!  Praise His Holy Name.....He heard my prayer and answered!  Immediately the "barrier" or "wall" (that even the day before I was not consciously aware of) was GONE!  And not only that, but He is flooding my heart with His love for the very ones I used to see as "other."  Oh, He is good beyond belief!  HODY TOW!!!!  I feel so alive and free; places I didn't even know were dead and in bondage are now vibrating and pulsating with resurrection power, and I feel like I am going to explode from the sheer joy of it all!

I want to proclaim His Goodness from the rooftop....to shout my testimony in a voice loud enough that all the people of this world would hear and praise the WONDER and RIGHTEOUSNESS and POWER and MAJESTY and HEALING TOUCH of my God who can bring dead things back to life!  What unbelievably Great News!

I thank God because I know that He desires to use me for His Glory, and I have to be pruned before I can be useful.  I thank God that His pruning process, though momentarily painful, yields a harvest of abundance and blessing beyond anyone's imagination.  I thank Him for His discipline, because I know it's a sign of His great, great love.  And I thank Him that He still answers prayer.....that He responds to the cries of desperate, needy people unable to save themselves.

My second prayer out by the side of that lake came as I grieved over how much damage has been done in the Name of God, wrestling with the fact that the "Christians" I knew and loved in my youth could be so misguided.  How, Lord?!?!?  How can people who claim to follow You use Your Word to propagate hatred and bigotry?!?!?

"Heavenly Father, Keep me from seeing what I want to see in the pages of this book.  Help me to see with clear and Holy Spirit-filled eyes.  Interpret the Scriptures for me.  Teach me by YOUR Holy Spirit!  It is so easy for people in general and me in particular to justify my positions and use the Bible to back me up.....to authorize mywords, my thoughts, my deeds, my actions and reactions instead of the other way around.  May I come seeking TRUTH.....not "self" or "approval" but YOU.....not twisting truth to match my agenda!  Thank You for meeting me, Lord!  Thank You for revealing to me my "Nineveh."  Use my "awakening" to further Your Kingdom purposes here on earth!  I ask this in the precious and holy name of Your son, My Savior, Jesus Christ.  Amen (Let it be so!).

Oh, let me tell you....nothing feels better than a clean heart before God.  I would encourage anyone reading this to not be afraid of the pain of conviction and confession because true life awaits on the other side of that pain!"

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  But verse 10 goes on to say, "If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in our lives."

John 8:36, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

To God Be The Glory!!!!!

A Child's Thanksgiving

If we are open to it, grace is all around us.  "All is grace," as Ann Voskamp repeats over and over in her "take-your-breath-away-it's-that-good" book, One Thousand Gifts.

I found this prayer last night while cleaning my daughter's closet.  I am so thankful that my little girl's eyes are open to Grace!  And my prayer is that she does not lose her "grace-eyes" as she grows.  Oh, Father....cause her to see.  Cause her to see YOUR fingerprints everywhere she looks!!!

From the heart of my little girl to her Heavenly Father:

"Father,
Thank you for being such a giving God.  I am so blessed.  You didn't need to be so gracious.  We all often forget how blessed we are....but I don't want to.  I want to embrace all You have given me....even the smallest things.  Like the five senses.  You didn't have to give me sight, but You did!  Thank You!  If I didn't have the gift of sight, I would never have been able to see the vivid colors of a blossom tree in the springtime. Also, You didn't need to give me the gift of being able to hear.  But You did!  Without it, I would never be able to hear the birds chirp in the morning.  Thank You so much for giving me this gift.  And thank You for giving me the gift of taste!  If you didn't give me this gift, I would have never been able to taste a sweet, juicy watermelon on a hot summer day.  And thank You for giving me the gift of smelling!  If I didn't have this gift, I wouldn't be able to smell the sweet aroma of a newly bloomed rose.  And last but not least, thank You for giving me the gift of touch!  Without this wonderful gift, I would never be able to feel the soft fur of a newborn puppy!  So my Lord, please give me a thankful heart that wants to praise You and thank You 24/7.  I thank You again, Father, for ALL You have done for me!
In Jesus' name, Amen."

I can think of no other way to end this post than with a Scripture that echoes what's in my heart right now:  "Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" -3 John 1:4 (The Message)