In a nutshell, let me just answer the questions I left off with in my previous post. Is God big enough? Is He capable of truly making me into a new creation at my core? Does He intend for me to have victory in this struggle? Yes, yes, and yes! A thousand times over....YES!!!
Again, these are ramblings. I am sharing with you what was revealed to me only moments before so I apologize in advance if these thoughts aren't completely coherent.
Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things and without cure. Who can understand it?"
I've been grieved by my sin as God has opened my eyes to the extensiveness of this sin pattern in my everyday choices. I doubt there is an area of my life that this philosophy of lack has not influenced me and led me into sin. Even behaviors that appear "good" to myself or others, if they are motivated by fear or insecurity, are not pleasing to God. He judges the heart, not just the actions. I'll give you one example: I have an insatiable hunger for the word of God! I cannot get enough! I am so thankful to God that He has gifted me with this zeal for the Scriptures! But....there was an obsessive quality to it, and the enemy used this to accuse and torment me. I brought my "Jesus addiction" to God and asked Him to show me if there was anything displeasing to Him in my compulsion to study the Bible. I know we're supposed to meditate on His word day and night. I could point out verse after verse that would justify my actions. But it also seemed that the enemy was being allowed to sift me, and I know God only allows him to sift us if there is something in us that needs sifting. God so faithfully, kindly, gently, and lovingly shone His healing light into my depths. Scenes came to my mind, parts of sermons I sat through as a young girl in a church that tried to motivate its congregation to right living through fear. Pastors would preach from the pulpit, "we have to be in the Word because a day is coming when 'they' will confiscate our Bibles. We'll be imprisoned for our belief in Jesus, and the only truth we will have is the truth we have memorized. Be in the Word. Be in the Word. Be in the Word." God wants me to be in His Word because of a pure and unadulterated love for Him, not because I'm driven by a fear of future lack.
Oh, do you see how deceptive our sins can be! I am so sobered to realize that I can be blindly walking in sin, all the while "congratulating" myself on my "piousness" in that very area! I shudder at the mere thought of such self-delusion! But I have to acknowledge that this is the reality of my heart, soul and mind apart from Him.
My latest "aha" moments have come as God has revealed some fear, insecurity, and trust (or, better stated, DIStrust) issues. I see now that there are two world views: one is that we live in a world of limited resources, and everyone must fight for their slice of the "pie." This world view is fear based, and the foundation of this life is insecurity. Fear and insecurity are the signposts on this road as you journey with an overriding sense that "lack" is stalking you, ever behind you like a shadow, gaining on you, nipping at your heels, sure to overtake you at any moment, about to consume and devour and destroy you. It is a miserable way to live. I know this because it's been my worldview. It's motivated so many of my choices, decisions and behaviors.
I know the other worldview only by the furtive glances over high fences, stolen glimpses of a land I desire but never thought would be accessible to someone like me. Consequently, I don't know how to articulate it all that well. I know it only because it must be the opposite of my reality to date. It's marked by a deep, underlying sense of security. It operates from a perspective of abundance, of limitless resources, of plenty, of lavish banquet tables and overflowing cups of anointing with jars of oil that never run dry! It's a life of trusting, believing, knowing, experiencing, and living in the fullness of His Goodness to me!!! Is He really that good? Could it really be true? Oh, yes, child, He is not only that good, He is so much better, better than you could ever comprehend!!!! (And I just have to add here that His goodness cannot be measured by our circumstances! Did you hear me, believer? Your circumstances are not the indicator of God's goodness to you!!! This is not a "prosperity gospel" I am preaching; it's a God-gospel through and through. From A to Z, start to finish, alpha to omega, it's all about HIM, HIM, HIM!)
Until recently, I didn't even see this sin in my own heart! I was deluded, thinking that because I knew truth in my mind, I was living in it. Because I knew the right theology and could choose the correct worldview on a multiple choice test, I thought my intellectual assent was right living in this area. Oh, child of God, do not be mistaken: knowing truth and living it are two very different things! Believing truth is great (it is, in fact, essential), but there are degrees of believing, and we must believe it so completely and thoroughly that it affects the way we live.
I don't have perspective on my own life. I am so thankful that God sees clearly, and that He offers me revelation when I ask. He sees the deep healing that still needs to occur. I have been trying to be sanctified from the bad fruit in my life while God is after the bad roots. I am incapable of pulling these bad roots out without Him, but luckily, He doesn't ask me to. He does all the "heavy lifting;" I just need to cooperate with HIS demolition and rebuilding process.
I am incredibly excited because I know that God does not reveal sin to us unless He intends to set us free from our bondage and liberate us to live out more of His Kingdom on the soil of this earth! When He first exposed my heart to me in this way, I questioned whether this new vision of freedom and liberation were even possible. Isn't it just our lot in this world as human beings, to fear lack on some level? Just turn on the news: scarcity does seem to be the reality of this world! Am I expecting too much to even consider the possibility that I could live differently as a daughter of the King of Kings? Is removal of this burden even possible, or must I wait for Heaven to feel truly safe in His arms? Can He really change me that radically, that wholly, that completely, that totally? We will always struggle against our flesh in this world, and this was one battle where I had resigned myself to a life of constant struggle and no victory.
Oh, ye of little faith! Lift your eyes to Heaven! Behold your redeemer! He commands angel armies! Is anything too difficult for Him?!?! He has made me aware of this sin pattern because He intends to SET ME FREE from these chains! The enemy has had his way with me for far too long. I have heard my God shout, "Enough!" And I am filled with new strength and new energy because I know that God finishes the work that He begins. He will not abandon me halfway through. His plan for my life is to make me a new creation, and nothing and no one can thwart the plans of GOD ALMIGHTY! Who is like the Lord our God?!?!?! Great is His Name, and greatly to be praised!!!!!